I had a pretty lengthy post written out and ready to go, but I wasn't quite happy with it...which is why it's been sitting in my editing box for two days. I can never seem to bring myself to hit that 'publish post' button when I'm not completely satisfied. Anyways, I was going to cave into leaving my standards unsatisfied just this once, until this morning when I read one of my regular blog reads. Not only was it relevant to my unpublished post, but it put its' content into a new perspective, a better perspective...one I feel better about publishing.
Life here is not always easy. I've made that clear. There has been a lot to deal with lately, and it's been difficult to keep an optimistic attitude. I appreciate the life lessons learned here, but the satisfaction of 'learning the hard way' wears off quickly, and sometimes I just want to fucking take the easy way out.
I could sit here and bitch to you all day, but it's not going to make anything better. I could rant about parking tickets, disgusting roommates, eating disorders, family struggles, money issues...but what is it going to do for me? At the very least, annoy my readers, along with making you grateful you chose to keep your ass under your parents roof or a college dorm. What I do need to do now is put things into perspective and look at the big picture. It sounds so cliche, and god knows I hate cliches, but it needs to be done. Yes, life here is hard right now, but no one promised me it would be easy. These roommates will be gone in a few weeks, Garden City cops will finally stop nailing me with parking tickets, and hopefully all of my tip money will not continue to support Nassau County. There is no denying I need to deal with situations right now that I'd rather not be in, but all it takes is a matter of dealing with them to improve them. None of this will last forever - not if I don't let it.
A couple of days ago, for the first time in a very long time, I considered what it would be like leaving New York. It was a fleeting thought that came about in an absent minded moment at work, but for just a few minutes, I allowed myself to imagine a life closer to my family, surrounded by familiar sights, where strangers smile and wave and less seems to revolve around money and power. Such a more simple life. But then I brought myself back to reality and remembered that will probably never happen. I don't know if I can ever realistically picture myself back in the Midwest.
One of the most common questions I get asked is why I left home - and how I'm so sure I won't go back. And aside from my amazeballs, incredible, ridiculous, dysfunctional, close knit family who's love and support I will always have, the answer is simple. I don't feel like I belong there. I always felt by staying in the Midwest, I'd be settling, and I think it's pretty understood by now that lowering standards and settling is just not an option for me.
So yes, life here may be difficult right now, but the difficult part of it is temporary. It honestly does make me question whether or not it's worth it at times, but at the end of the day - it always is. Through all of the drama, heartache, and struggle I go through here, there is purpose. I do not stay because I'm stubborn or feel I have something to prove. I don't simply want to call myself a New Yorker, and if I really desired to do so, there are other options for my life outside of New York. To refer back to cliches - I stay because I feel this is where I'm meant to be right now. There's no other way to describe it. I finally feel as if I belong, and no matter the amount of struggle, walking away from this is not an option.
My words of advice to you? Whatever it is you're dealing with, no matter how big or small the battle is - you do have the power to make it temporary. Seek support from friends, family, your higher power...whatever it takes to get you through. Life may not always make sense, and it certainly is not fair, but as long as it's the life you feel you're meant to live, the difficult times will pass, and there will be much better days to come.
Life here is not always easy. I've made that clear. There has been a lot to deal with lately, and it's been difficult to keep an optimistic attitude. I appreciate the life lessons learned here, but the satisfaction of 'learning the hard way' wears off quickly, and sometimes I just want to fucking take the easy way out.
I could sit here and bitch to you all day, but it's not going to make anything better. I could rant about parking tickets, disgusting roommates, eating disorders, family struggles, money issues...but what is it going to do for me? At the very least, annoy my readers, along with making you grateful you chose to keep your ass under your parents roof or a college dorm. What I do need to do now is put things into perspective and look at the big picture. It sounds so cliche, and god knows I hate cliches, but it needs to be done. Yes, life here is hard right now, but no one promised me it would be easy. These roommates will be gone in a few weeks, Garden City cops will finally stop nailing me with parking tickets, and hopefully all of my tip money will not continue to support Nassau County. There is no denying I need to deal with situations right now that I'd rather not be in, but all it takes is a matter of dealing with them to improve them. None of this will last forever - not if I don't let it.
A couple of days ago, for the first time in a very long time, I considered what it would be like leaving New York. It was a fleeting thought that came about in an absent minded moment at work, but for just a few minutes, I allowed myself to imagine a life closer to my family, surrounded by familiar sights, where strangers smile and wave and less seems to revolve around money and power. Such a more simple life. But then I brought myself back to reality and remembered that will probably never happen. I don't know if I can ever realistically picture myself back in the Midwest.
One of the most common questions I get asked is why I left home - and how I'm so sure I won't go back. And aside from my amazeballs, incredible, ridiculous, dysfunctional, close knit family who's love and support I will always have, the answer is simple. I don't feel like I belong there. I always felt by staying in the Midwest, I'd be settling, and I think it's pretty understood by now that lowering standards and settling is just not an option for me.
So yes, life here may be difficult right now, but the difficult part of it is temporary. It honestly does make me question whether or not it's worth it at times, but at the end of the day - it always is. Through all of the drama, heartache, and struggle I go through here, there is purpose. I do not stay because I'm stubborn or feel I have something to prove. I don't simply want to call myself a New Yorker, and if I really desired to do so, there are other options for my life outside of New York. To refer back to cliches - I stay because I feel this is where I'm meant to be right now. There's no other way to describe it. I finally feel as if I belong, and no matter the amount of struggle, walking away from this is not an option.
My words of advice to you? Whatever it is you're dealing with, no matter how big or small the battle is - you do have the power to make it temporary. Seek support from friends, family, your higher power...whatever it takes to get you through. Life may not always make sense, and it certainly is not fair, but as long as it's the life you feel you're meant to live, the difficult times will pass, and there will be much better days to come.
No comments:
Post a Comment