Lessons College Can't Teach

When it comes to school, I am ridiculously responsible. I always show up for class on time, never miss an assignment, and actually take notes. My one vice is never feeling guilty for skipping class - as long as it's done within the 2-3 excused absence allowance. So to have a typical 'college moment' of being an irresponsible student is rare for me. Which is why I have to share my morning with you.

I'd been preparing for this particular presentation for a week, only because it's worth 25 percent of my grade. I've read and re-read the chapter it covers, actually avoiding Sparknotes in my diligence to do it correctly. And because the damn book was no where to be found on there. I had my notes all typed up and ready to be printed off prior to the class, I practiced to be sure it was within the 25 minute allotted time slot, and I made a mental note to actually wear real clothes to school. And then God decided to shit on me this morning. Never once having over slept this semester, I chose to do it today, waking up literally 24 minutes before my presentation was suppose to start. Keep in mind it takes me at least 20 minutes to get to school, and another five to find parking. I grabbed the clothes on my floor that I was wearing the night before, jammed a piece of gum in my mouth, and flew out the door while I was still trying to zip up my backpack. Driving like a complete asshole, I made it to school in record time, cut someone off for a parking spot, and stumbled into class as my professor was beginning role call. My only give-away to being ridiculously unprepared was the fact that I still needed to print out my notes. Thank god for my Midwestern charm. A quick smile and plea for a five minute stall, and I was in and out of the library with my notes in hand. I killed the presentation, had the professor laughing, and have no worries about the grade. The most stressful, yet strangely rewarding, morning I've had in a while.

I've mentioned being a little OCD about school and my GPA, but to be completely honest with you, my outlook on it all has sort of changed this semester. I'm in my fifth year of post-high school education. That is one year too many. I hear so many post-grads bitching and moaning about the job market and wanting to go back to binge drinking and pulling adderall all-nighters, but I cannot wait to be done with it. I don't need a college enrollment as an excuse to drink, and I can think of plenty of other things I'd rather be doing all night than researching Marco Polo and his freaking journey through Asia. So even though I'm obviously going to put effort into my final year, I've lightened up on the amount of stress I put on myself when it comes to my school work. My GPA can only slide so much from here, and the experience I'm having outside of the classroom is worth more to me than what I'm learning in it. Being able to summarize the themes of ancient medieval texts may get me an 'A' now, but I have a feeling the knowledge will do jack shit for me in the real world. Being able to handle my liquor and every other lesson I've learned the hard way here is a different story.

Covering the Basis for the Critical

I'm pathetic. I don't even want to look at the last time I posted, but I know off of the top of my head it's nearing the two week mark. Not OK. I will get better at this ridiculous schedule thing, I promise.

I was obnoxiously informed by one of my most loving co-workers that my blog has turned into nothing that I promised it would be. While I initially started it claiming I'd focus on finding balance with fashion, fun, and fitness on a frugal budget, I've strayed into my dating life, drinking habits, and religious views. And as much as I adoringly wanted to hit him for criticizing my blog, he was right. Sort of. While having fun, shopping, and working out take up generous portions of my time, so does drinking, spiritual speculation, and failing miserably in the dating world. And considering the ridiculous number of page views on posts that featured a drunk dial from my ex boyfriend and my humiliating blackout that included a drunk dial to my daddy, I don't think you mind reading about any extra-curricular material. Nonetheless, just for this darling co-worker that puts me in my place during every shift we share, I shall make a point to touch on all that I've promised you. And then some.

Fashion. As in shopping. As in I have done wayyyy too much of it in the past two weeks. Ok, month. But it needs to stop, because the numbers in my accounts are dwindling, and my fridge and gas tank will not fill themselves. It has not all been for nothing though, because there are some fabulous additions now sitting in my wardrobe. As in these babies.

When in doubt for what to buy yourself for your birthday, always head to the shoe section. And finding anything in leopard print is just an added bonus. And the fact that I found them in a shoe warehouse, allowing me to pay my rent this month. Happy birthday to me. Another pair of stilettos I could potentially take a tumble in after a few too many drinks - just what I needed.

One of my best friends came to visit for my birthday, so having fun has not been an issue. I did the unthinkable and took off the entire weekend of work. There were lunch dates, shopping and nights out in the city, sleepovers in Brooklyn, and lazy mornings laying in bed. To say this was all done on a budget would be a blatant lie, but best friends don't come every weekend. Sadly, once she left, my reality of work schedules and homework piles was waiting right where I left it. I was able to take a break to see some family in the city last night, and there's a night out in Long Beach in my very near future, as in tonight, so I haven't become socially awkward quite yet.

As for fitness, the majority of my workouts have consisted of shaking a drink mixer, squatting down to be eye level with the beer cooler, and running around tables on wing night. I've tried to fit in actual runs, yoga classes, and an elevated treadmill that burns ridiculous calories at the gym, but my schedule has been a little crazy. There always seem to be periods of time where this happens, and all I can do is remind myself that it's not the end of the world if I can't work out every day. I just do what I can when I can, and move on. Life will slow down.

So if you were becoming as critical of my blog content as my coworker, relax yourself - I just covered it all. And for those of you who actually appreciate my cynical viewpoints on dating and over-indulgences with drinking, no worries. As long as I continue to have pointless encounters with awkward guys and gin and tonics to numb the annoyance, the stories will keep coming. At least this way, someone will benefit from the entertainment of the never ending unfortunate situations I find myself in.

Budget? What?

Remember that thing I have...ughh what's it called...the one I'm suppose to do all of my balancing on. Oh, yes. A budget. Ring a bell? Yeah, me neither. Probably because I've been blowing my fricken budget like a whore on the Vegas strip. I've been coming up with some pretty noble justifications for myself though (aka excuses). I just moved into a new apartment, I should appreciate the U.S. currency after the headache of the Euros, I needed some things for school, I'd been working hard and needed to reward myself. The most recent excuse to pop into my head after spending an hour too long in the mall yesterday - 'it's my birthday...month'. Thank goodness for my savings and work schedule filled with the best shifts, or I'd be bringing the balance back to Iowa soon.

So, where has all this hard earned money from getting people obliterated, hoping they'll experience their own devastatingly humiliating blackout so I don't feel so bad about mine, gone? Well. If I reveal that, then I will start to feel guilty, and I really don't think that's going to help anything. No worries mama, nothing illegal or sketchy - just shallow and superficial, making me feel like a typical spoiled brat. Just know that I have not suddenly won the lottery or discovered a trust fund that my parents had been hiding from me all these years. The start of the school year always means money with the bar where I work, considering it's located across the street from one of Long Island's biggest universities. There was a little extra cash laying around, I took the opportunity to act like I have a lot more money than what I do, and after my birthday week with one of my best friends coming from home, it will be well past time to start saving again.

The blog was quiet this week, and the only reason I have to explain that one is school. There's something about reading Gerald of freakin' Whales and learning about the Spanish subjunctive that just drains all of my creativity and motivation. School has always been a love/hate relationship with me...over the summer I tend to forget about how much I hate it. When you combine five classes with a full time work schedule, there's not a lot of time left to recap my drunken nights or to criticize whoever is annoying me at the moment. 'It's time to be done' will be my most over-used expression in response to questions regarding school. It is absolutely time to be done.

Despite the mountain of homework that I never seem to make a dent in, the blog will not be abandoned. I have some newly discovered perceptions on school and my time management that I'll most likely ramble on about in the short future, ironically while I'm avoiding the books stacked next to my laptop. Those perceptions include screwing homework when necessary to do other productive things like blogging, yoga, and manicures. And I won't even need the excuse of my birthday for that.

Speaking of the birthday, it's tomorrow, and I'm officially falling into the age box of a grandma...abuela, yia yia, whatever you call that saint of a woman who makes your favorite cookies and never forgets to send you cards in the mail. I'm her age, in less than 24 hours. Being away from home around my birthday always makes me a little homesick, but that is where the glory of my most recent excuse comes in. Until the horror of it all passes, I'm going to spend my money on whatever my little, still youthful, heart desires. Before I have to buy things like wrinkle cream, depends, and glue for my dentures.

From Blackouts to the Bible

I attract the crazies. Really, I think I do. They come out of the woodwork to find me, most recently while I was browsing the mascara selection at Target. Completely minding my own business, debating between the 'Falsies' and 'Stiletto' lash mascara (definitely 'Falsies'), a man approached me and introduced himself, saying that he was conducting a survey of sorts. I don't care. He then asked me if I considered God to be a man or a woman. He had my attention. First of all, no one typically speaks openly of religion on Long Island, especially in the makeup section of Target. Secondly, religious discussions are often the most intriguing for me to be a part of. I grew up in a small town that is heavily influenced by the Christian Reformed beliefs. The majority of answers to religious questioning are not up for interpretation, but rather given, backed by reasoning and facts. After almost 21 years of that, hearing others' opinions and beliefs is always interesting.

The tech savvy missionary had his iphone ready to go, whipping open the Scriptures before I even had a chance to gather my scattered religious opinions. He flipped through Genesis, Romans, and Revelations, reading me his virtually highlighted passages that suggested God to be a multiple, and representation of both the male and female gender. While he was spewing off his religious propaganda, I was cursing my adolescent self, thinking, "...shit. This is what all of my private high school teachers spoke of preparing us for, and I have absolutely no idea of how to back up my argument." And then it dawned on me...I was searching for the reasoning and facts that back up everything the Christian Reformed belief represents, yet the last four years have been a struggle of whether or not I truly believe in it. I was stressing over my argumentative response out of pure habit - I really had no idea how to begin disputing the information this techie missionary was spewing off.  Nor did I really care to.

For four years, I've questioned my faith. I've evaluated my own religious opinion, compared it to that of the beliefs I was brought up in, and was left ready to throw anything to do with the church out the window. It turns out, all I needed was a nerdy, pushy, make-up isle missionary to force me into stating what I genuinely believe. But before I could say anything, I had to shut the guy up. I was ready to buy my 'Falsies' mascara and get the hell out of Target. I put all tact aside, and bluntly informed the man people like him were the reason Christians have the rep of being religious lunatics. We're in the make-up isle of Target for god's sake, and people are staring. After I made my opening statement, I was on a roll. I understand the important concept of missionary work, but while you (the techie missionary) attempted to persuade one person to consider your own beliefs, you caused eight random by-standers to confirm their assumptions of Christians being crazy. Aside from that, why does it matter. Why is it so important to debate whether God is a man, or a woman, or both. Why does the Christian religion have to be so divided by technicalities they insist on emphasizing, when the beliefs are essentially similar.

I want nothing to do with the technicalities. Those technicalities are what make me want to throw in the towel when it comes to religion. Instead, I'm going to refer to the wise words of big brother Bogger, who probably doesn't even remember saying this. It was literally years ago, so long I don't even remember the conversation that prompted it, but after voicing my wonders and questions about God, he simply stated, "Leah, it's not about religion, it's about a relationship."And that is exactly what I said to conclude my earth-shattering argument in the make-up isle. I have no interest in the detailed arguments, scrutinizing every word in the Bible. I really don't care whether you perceive God as a man, woman, both, or neither. I'm going to focus on what I believe for myself, and you should do the same. If a solid relationship with your God is not established, none of it matters anyways.

Living in an environment drastically different from the one I grew up in has forced me to reconsider everything I was taught, establishing what I'm going to hold on to...what is truly important to me. Edges may be blurred, beliefs vague, and opinions a little less specific, but there's something about the roots of your faith that you just can't stray from. And what I've realized after living in New York is that those roots are different for everyone. There are people who grew up in a religious setting such as my hometown, with totally different beliefs, and who am I to judge them. Though I may not be able to spew off a list of my own religious specifications, there is one belief I can share with you. Techie Missionary may have chosen an inappropriate time and place, but he did bring me to some of my own important conclusions I've been searching for for so long. That, my friends, can only be the the work of God.

Bitches Don't Eat Meat

I was borderline excited for classes to start again, but now that they actually have, I've realized I forgot about one minor detail in anticipation to stepping foot on campus for one fricking final year - homework. And not only that, the homework of an English major, which I am convinced has to be the most excruciating of all the degrees. It took three paragraphs into the Marco Polo prologue for me to look up the book on Sparknotes, but I was left bitterly disappointed. 'Tis going to be a long semester.

Now that my agenda requires the works of Polo, Bede, Mandeville, and various other snooze fests, the self-help books and trashy novels are going to have to come to an end - probably for the better, before I became completely uneducated. I was able to squeeze in one final mindless read before the classics consumed me, and though I have my issues with it, this book is the one summer read that I've actually taken seriously ("Why Mr. Right Can't Find You" had some good points as well; I just can't claim it's helped me become any more successful in that department). The book "Skinny Bitch", by Rory Freedman and Kim Barnouin, is self-described as "A no-nonsense, tough-love guide for savvy girls who want to stop eating crap and start looking fabulous!". The cheesy promotion wasn't enough to rope me in, but the fact that this book is responsible for countless meat-eaters turned vegetarian/vegan was.

I've always had an obnoxious bone-phobia that left a classmate cutting my steak on a Senior class choir trip, and I've cut meat out of my diet for month long periods of time before, but I've never fully committed myself to become a vegetarian. It always seemed to be inconvenient for my hectic lifestyle that requires meals on the go, and I never put in the time to fully educate myself on the matter. After reading this book, consider me committed. I don't agree with animal cruelty, and I'm aware that livestock production turns our environment to shit, but my strongest reason for giving up meat is the reality of where it comes from. And oh my god, you don't even want to know. I've mentioned I'm from Iowa, where there are probably more cows than people, and considering the cattle industry is one of the biggest money makers there, they're all going to think I'm crazy after reading this. Nonetheless, there is no guarantee that their healthy, well fed, fairly treated, fresh piece of beef is going to end up being my hamburger in New York. I'm not going to give details, because I want you to enjoy your bacon in the morning, but if you have any interest in a vegetarian or vegan diet, this book will definitely help educate you on the matter.

Aside from the fact that it was the final factor in convincing me to give up meat, this book did not receive its' New York Times Bestseller award based on the talent of the authors. Freedman and Barnouin may be funny and crude, I think we'd get along famously in person, but their writing ability is far from that of what a published, bestselling author's should be. It may be my nerdy, English-major self coming out, but I wanted to rip my hair out at the structure and flow of the book. Not only that, these girls are supposedly involved in modeling, explaining the fact that they encourage fasting, eating only a piece of organic fruit for breakfast, and ignoring your body's hunger cues of stomach grumbling, headache, and fatigue when you need to eat. Uh...no wonder all the skinnies are so bitchy. They're starving, dumb ass. As any self-help book, take it with a grain of salt. Girlfriends may be entertaining, but all of their fasting has obviously left them short of a few brain cells.

So now that my final Grecian gyros have been consumed and my mama's Stromboli is in a kitchen over 1,000 miles away, there will be no beef, pork, chicken, or fish in the near future for me. A vegetarian diet feels right for now, and with the facts from the book haunting me at every meal, my appetite is in full agreement.

The Blackout I Want to Forget

I'm a classy bitch. I like to go out and have a good time, and it should be clear to you by now that I am no stranger at the bar, but when it comes down to my drunken self, I always try to maintain a level of class and dignity. This was not the case last night.
I've promised you bar stories, but there's really not much to tell. And I don't want my parents to fret. We'll just narrow it down to this - blacking out is not funny under the following circumstances:
1. You fall in 5 1/2 inch heels
2. You loose your Blackberry
3. Before loosing your Blackberry, you unknowingly drunk dial your father
4. The only way you know the previous information is because it was told to you - the last thing you actually remember is speaking Spanish to the cab driver...on the way to the club

OK, so the last one's a little funny. But only the Spanish speaking part.

My dignity was lost right along with my Blackberry, and I'm not about to say I don't deserve it. Thank god for ah-mazing friends, or I could be tied up in the back of a big white van, wondering where the hell my Hispanic cab driver went. Now that I've finally shaken off the hangover of a lifetime, and have made progress on the phone situation, the night is starting to be a little more amusing to me. Going into work at noon the following day seemed like the cruelest punishment I could be handed, but my co-workers laughs and add-ins of their own stories helped ease some of the humiliation. But no matter how entertaining it may be, nights like the one I had last night are notttt OK for a girl in my situation. Or anyone, period.
I obviously make light of my drinking, but there are consequences that come along with it, and they get a lot more serious than drunken dials to or from ex-lovas. As I said before, my friends are amazing. I was in the biggest city in the United States for god's sake. The fact that I was completely blacked out in a strange club in the middle of the meatpacking district is about as irresponsible as it gets. Along with physical safety is the actual condition of my health. Drinking that much, and in this incident, on an empty stomach, is just not necessary. The fact that my dinner was light and early did nothing to slow the absorption of my Pinnacle Whipped. I drank no more than everyone else, but competition always gets the best of me when we're going shot for shot, and I seem to forget the fact that I am, and always will be, a lightweight. It's usually a blessing in smaller bar tabs. Last night, I would have overdrawn my bank account if it meant avoiding my blackout.

So, moral of the story is - lesson learned. There's nothing wrong with going out and getting shit faced, but it doesn't do you any good if you can't even recall it the next day. It's stupid, irresponsible, and completely un-like the classy bitch standard I try to maintain on my nights out. I'm sure I'll be able to look back later and laugh...but it probably won't be for a while. Until then, I am going to be detoxing my liver and restoring my dignity, and hoping everyone else there will forget about the night as successfully as I did.

Glamourous Gays

I don't feel like writing today. The most uncreative mood makes for horrible blog posts. However, I will give you a little treat that my Brooklyn loves introduced me to. Do yourself a favor and watch...it will be the most enlightening three minutes of your day.